“Dear Mum and Dad, I have been trying to find the words to tell you what has been going on with me, but the truth is I can only write this in a letter. I am in a relationship which means a lot to me but it’s complicated, it’s with another girl…”
Nothing could have prepared me seven years ago for the shock of reading these words from my 15-year-old daughter, Jess. As I read the letter that she had placed under my pillow where she went on to explain she was Bisexual, a flood of selfish thoughts raced through my head:
“Where did I go wrong?”
“Was I too busy with work when she was growing up?”
“What about the white wedding I’d imagined?”
“What about being a grandmother?”
And, worst of all, how the hell was I going to answer questions from friends and family when I didn’t even know what being Bisexual meant! Especially as Jess had delegated the job of telling her Dad, to me.
I remember her face when I came down from reading the note. She looked at me: “Well, what do you think?”
If I knew then what I know now, I would have been so much better equipped to respond. I don’t think I could have said anything more awkward: “Wow, that’s a shock; you need to give me a bit of time to process that information.”
What I forgot to say was: “I love you unconditionally.” Which as parents we should say even at the most challenging times.
What happened next changed my outlook on life forever – for the better. I called my elder brother, who had faced some difficult circumstances as a parent. I foolishly thought he would be sympathetic, but his response was a turning point for me. He shared tough love in a way that only close friends and siblings can:
“Ginny, you’re very lucky that Jess has felt comfortable at such a young age to share this with you and John. Now don’t let her down. You need to prepare a different fairy tale for her in your head which is based on her being contented, comfortable and happy to be her true self and always feel welcome and loved in the safety of her home. She’s invited you to join her on her journey – this is a privilege that only some parents are granted by their children. This is a credit to your great parenting, not a failure that you think has been brought about by decisions you have made.”
Seven years on
The rest of our family journey has been a rich tapestry of laughter and tears. We’ve all come to understand and support difference and individuality.
Parenting is the toughest job that I have ever done but also the most rewarding. With the right mindset you can learn a lot from your kids. Kids need to be patient too and understand that generations grow up with different values and ideas. Most people can embrace new ways of being, but it takes time.
Jess and her partner are still in love and planning for the future. Now all I see are the positives. The love, respect and fun. The fact that they enjoy each other’s time and interests.
I’ve learnt a lot through asking questions and not being afraid to use the wrong words. I’ve learnt to always be true to yourself. I’ve learnt to never be afraid to say: “I’m struggling with this and I don’t know what to do or how to react”. I am still learning.
Others are still learning too: “Don’t worry she will grow out of it” and “She is so pretty, I’m sure she will find a handsome boyfriend” or “Who is the boy in her relationship?”. Being a parent of a Bi child has opened my eyes. And it’s also made life more fun and uninhibited.
As I look back, I feel proud that our family has provided a safe and embracing environment for Jess and her partner to live their life the way they want to. It hasn’t all been plain sailing, but I am sure that I am a better person as a result.